I left London with my partner, Gabriel, on the 2nd of October 2023, both ready for adventure and warmer climes. For those who have had the experience of living in London they may have, as I do, a complex relationship with it. Mine was one of love and frustration. I had arrived at the fresh age of 18 to go to university, full of hope and expectation, and found it a colourful and brutal place. London is a glorious city, but like all glory it tends to not be quite what you think it will be, when up close to it. I managed 13 years.
Fast forward to my departure I knew I was not in good health. I had spent 8 years in the film industry and had made my way to an excellent position working with the best in the business as a scenic artist assistant. I was learning from amazingly talented individuals on huge projects such as Barbie and Wicked.
And yet as of a couple of years ago I was not on good terms with my body. The more I worked the worse it became, but I had to work in order to afford to live in London. I had ignored it for a long time in pretty much every aspect - food, sleep, over exercise. I had put myself in spaces I didn’t feel safe or happy, I was stressed and bored and my mental health was unhelpfully harsh. In short I was tired. I would not say that I was “not myself”, but like any creature who is all these things, I was just a smaller, fragile, scattered version of me.
Several things happened that forced my hand towards change - I worked on a job in a department that had a weirdly hostile atmosphere. I experienced a short but toxic relationship that left me mentally (and financially) poorer, and I developed IBS which is shorthand for saying you have a nervous system that’s not functioning properly and your gut is freaking out because you refused to listen to it.
After an organic end to the unpleasant relationship, and an elevation into a different department (my Scenic friends), I decided I needed therapy, which I think is really a necessary starting point for anyone who is frightened of being who they are.
Luckily I found Gavin, who was referred to me by a friend of mine, and I would say choosing him as my therapist was one of the most significant moments of my life. Gavin, if you’re reading this, I have to Thank you from the bottom of my soft little heart. I found clarity in your small, comfy windowless room that I dearly needed and dearly appreciate. It was with you that I learned to grieve and understand the sanctuary of my own feelings.
Shortly after beginning therapy, enter Gabriel, who true to his namesake has been something of an angel that I didn’t expect.
And I realised that I couldn’t stay in film any more, and I couldn't stay in London. It was time to stop fighting the current that was constantly pulling me away. In many ways, it’s pretty amazing I managed to get to where I was in the state I was in. I had managed to survive in London, and in film, but that was all. Survive. I had not flourished, I was holding on, struggling for purchase with whitening knuckles.
So maybe it was time to just let go.
